Returning to happiness after loss or crisis – Recovering

The general idea of happiness – as seen on TV – would be described as an intense emotional state, when one might feel one’s heart is bursting out from so much joy, and everything, absolutely everything is perfect in your life. I have to say, this is a very limited concept of happiness doomed right from the start.

Perceiving happiness as an intense emotional state can only lead to disappointment. Intense emotional states caused by bio-chemical reactions originated by an event are only temporary and bound to disappear very soon. That’s the way chemical reactions are: they are caused, they affect us and then body and mind return to normality. That’s nature.

No wonder so many people believe that happiness is lived only at moments that repeat themselves sometimes.

Out of experience I tell you: you can be happy everyday. And yes, I’ve already written about being happy before here. But what I want to tell this time is that:

Life can be set with flowers and stones along our way, but it is you and only you who decides “how you will be” and “who you will be” during these alternating ups and downs of life.

A light-hearted attitude and a fresh mind set-up towards that which we cannot change is “the” ideal attitude; but I know out of experience: it’s easier said than done. Events are sometimes too strong and our lives change so radically that it is nothing but normal to not be able to see light in those moments.

But once you’re half way into normality, it is your choice to return to your usual happy self or at least try to cheer up and find light; the important thing is not to force yourself to do anything.

In those “exceptional” moments there are not many other ways to react than feeling miserable and crying your soul out. Feeling lost, not being able to talk or move, let alone think is a part of being in shock or living loss and hard times. And like I wrote before, thank God that these extreme emotions, also fuelled by chemical activity in our bodies, also have an end. “This too shall pass”.

When you’re finally able to calm your emotions down a bit, and the state of shock lowers to almost normal levels, you find yourself with the practical things in life and you have to go on; sadly or luckily: there’s no other way. In extreme times I remember not even having a drop of energy to do anything. Having kids is a blessing, you literally “have to” move!

So concentrate on doing only that which is absolutely necessary, one step at a time:

• Errands related with practical stuff or survival: buying food, paying bills, going to work, etc.

• Go out and walk for a while, even if you don’t want to. Fresh air works wonders in a few minutes: it heals. And just being among people in the street, observing how life moves and never stops, is a good way of charging energy.

• Pamper yourself. I cannot stress the importance of this point enough. Hard times also affect one’s self-esteem; it’s very important that you bathe (rub yourself, use aromatic oils – this helps you love yourself) and take care of your looks. Dressing yourself like you would when you feel happy is effective, whether you believe it or not. Happiness is contagious. There’s even a technique that says: “act like if you had or were this want you want to have or be and your mind will accept this as real and will make it manifest in your life“. That’s the power of your mind.

• And in relation with this last statement (happiness is contagious) I’ve found that the “Peter Pan” technique of thinking happy thoughts is very effective. Surround yourself with objects that make you think of funny moments, talk with cheerful people, and watch funny movies.

Concentrating on these small but practical things are the first small steps of recovery. These small private moments where you make small decisions is the start point for bigger decisions.

Once you have got the basics in your life running smoothly it’s time for evaluating the state of your affairs. Knowing where you are is the first step into knowing where you’re headed.

• Face and accept reality with all its implications. Observe the cold facts, if possible, without emotions

• See how these facts affect your new life

• Which are the possibilities you have to go on? What are the resources to go on?

• Find out where/what/how you want to be or what you want to do

• Sort out the necessary steps to move your life in the direction you choose it to be

• After these steps are sorted out then it’s time to start acting. One step at a time, start walking before you start running

• Seeking for professional help can also help you into sorting out your life. The supporting input of a professional counsellor will be certainly positive

You can make a list or run a diary with the ideas and how you advance in your list. In the future you may look back and see all you have achieved and how the process was.

These steps are a very practical way to start being again in control of your life and your emotions. Reality wipes fear and anxiety out. Fear and anxiety come from thinking obsessively about the future with no real information in your hands.

Looking at life in the eyes is a healing process; being active and with a goal in your hands, open your eyes again to the simple joys in life. It might take a long time or it might take only days; but getting back to action is certainly the road to start being again the happy person you’ve always been.

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